Ugly

     It is awful growing up being ugly. The boys torment you. The girls don't like you. Both of them tease you. So you just kind of hang out with yourself. The geek or nerd. As a child you are quickly outgrown socially. As you really do not have a lot of friends. Definitely no girl friends. You develop hobbies and pass times that can be done solo. 
     As time goes on you may rear up your ugly head. Take a chance on going out somewhere. mixing with the real people. But if you play the game, you will get beat. Retroactively, I believe that the sooner you realize this. The better off you will be in the long run. Just quit trying to force nature. you cannot change facts. 
     I have wasted countless years and money. Caused emotional distress. Done stupid things as a result of the failure to recognize that ugly people are just that. You should maintain a good attitude. You should work hard. You should not bother anyone. And just create your own little world. If you can do this you can at least create a sort of comfort zone where you have came to grip with the fact that you just have to do what is best for you. Try to save your money. Do not bother anyone. As you just have to force yourself on anyone. Only to be repelled. 
     The down side to this is if in fact someone does want to do something with you you do not know how to react. Your default reaction is to just run away. Then people say, " I knew he was a loser" and you develop the reputation of being a loser. Then everyone knows you as a loser. And no one wants to be around you. As this goes on. You do not want to be around anyone. And there you are. By yourself again. 
     So if you are smart you would have figured this out when you are ten years old. Not at fifty years old. By this time you have wasted the best years of your life. Your healthiest times. Your best earning capacity times. And are just left to rot if you have not made the proper economic planning. And since you have spent a great deal of the past trying to fit in and amuse yourself. Chances are you are not economically prepared to live out the rest of you time in a reasonably comfortable situation. By this time you have made your bed and have to lay in it. No one is going to bail you out. You are not going to hit the lottery. So you have to spent the rest of your time and energy creating enough revenue to plug along. Indulging in what petty pleasures you may have. 
     You started out ugly. Now you are old, ugly and poor. Certainly not on the top ten at the debutante ball.  Not even on the list of the bottom feeder ball. Not on anyone's list. 
     Unfortunately you cannot just go to sleep and die. That would be too easy. You have to decide if you want to live out your life reasonably healthy and happy. Find something you like to do in your spare time. I like bicycles. I like golf. I have been doing neither for a while. Although I bike to work, no just entertainment stuff. I used to plat nine holes of golf every Monday. I would go to the local muny and walk nine holes. I would go first thing in the morning and get it out of the way. I haven't played golf since June last year since the demise of my fathers health. In fact the last time I played was with him. Now on Mondays I go to my parents house and help them with as many things as I can. Eat lunch and go home. I will play golf again sometime. Hopefully with my father. 
     I like to cook. You can cook good food at home. This is something that you can do for yourself. And enjoy yourself. It is a good learning experience and you can dictate what goes into your food. Sure, you have to clean up afterward. But that is OK. That is part of it. Watching the cooking shows you come up with all kinds of wants and needs. But most of the time you have everything you need at home. 
     At this juncture in life you should have realized that no one wants or needs you unless they need something from you. And when they get it you will be dropped like a bad habit and the cycle starts again. So why bother. Stay in your own little niche. Do not bother anyone. There is not doubt you have lost the game by now. There is no use to letting someone else ground more dirt into your face. Although if you have a face like mine it may help. 
     What you have to do henceforth is to remember that your older relatives are getting old and dying. You are not going to win the lottery. It is not terrible to start taking care of yourself. How many times have you done something for someone and in the end you turn out like the bad guy? How many times have you seen abusive users get what they want and be the good guy? The only way to take yourself out of the hardship is to take yourself out of the hardship. Don't be mean or greedy. Be nice and conduct yourself as a gentleman. 
     There is no immediate game over. There is no would you like to restart the game. This is it. Period.